I always wanted to be a mother. My nurturing instinct pranced at the thought of having a baby of my own; a baby to love, care for, and raise to be a beautiful being. I thought about how I would teach my child about what there is to know about life; how I would teach my child about the little things that matter like hanging up her/his coat on the hook or putting the trash from snack snack time into the garbage. I imagined being an inspiration, my child looking up to me and seeing all that I accomplished beaming at the thought that she/he can do it to.
I always wanted to be a mother.
I sat in the doctors office after getting checked out. Do I remember the date? Nope. Do I remember the season? Nope. However, I remember her telling me that it’ll be hard for me to have children but “we will cross that bridge when we get there.”
I mean after telling someone who desired to be a mother that it’ll be hard to have children, following it up with, “we will cross that bridge when we get there” wasn’t comforting. Those words already burned the bridge before I could even get there. Thanks a lot..
That night I cried myself to sleep, arms wrapped around myself. I was devastated.
PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) is a health problem that impacts 1 in 10 women of childbearing age.
Women with PCOS have a hormonal imbalance and can have metabolism problems; it is common and is a treatable cause of infertility. It is a health problem caused by an imbalance of reproductive hormones. The hormonal imbalance creates problems in the ovaries. With PCOS, the egg (produced by the ovaries) may not develop as it should or it may not be released during ovulation as it should be.
PCOS can cause missed or irregular menstrual periods which can lead to infertility (inability to get pregnant). In fact, PCOS is one of the most common causes of infertility in women. It can also lead to development of cysts (small fluid-filled sacs) in the ovaries.
I never thought I would get pregnant.
I will never forget the day I saw 2 pink lines on that pregnancy test. I believe the instructions told me to wait 3 minutes before reading, yeah, the lines darkened with pink within 1 second. Literally.
So much emotion filled my body. Shock, fear, doubt, worry and unfortunately there was not any joy to embrace. The crazy thing was before taking the test I prayed to God and I basically told Him, Lord let your will be done.
His will was done and I wanted to take back my prayer. Woah messed up thing to say! I know that’s what you’re thinking. That’s what I’m thinking.
It all happened at the wrong time.
I wasn’t ready, I wanted a baby but not now, there is so much I still need to accomplish, I’m going to have to deal with criticism and opinions I’m going to be a disappointment, my relationship didnt need this right now…
Those were some thoughts that flooded my mind. Yet I was in denial.
This is a false positive. I am not pregnant.
That thought gave me some hope. I never thought I could get pregnant. The words from my doctor that plagued my mind that night were the words I was standing firmly on.
What happened to standing on Gods’ Word? Yeah, I know but His word said I was pregnant and that wasn’t what I wanted to stand on. I didn’t feel like it was the right time. It didn’t coincide with my time.
I took a urine test at the hospital. It was negative!
I had an ultrasound done…I saw the heartbeat.
So tiny, flickering on the screen. It was so small I cant forget how it looked. It was adorable. It was a baby. How much more confirmation did I need?
My supports were happy I wasn’t.
I carried my baby for 9 months. The first few months it was hard for me for many reasons. My prayers weren’t of gratitude, I was adjusting my life and my mindset for a baby. I stopped everything I enjoyed doing. Spiritually, I needed something, mentally I wasn’t ay ok, emotionally I wasn’t super duper, and physically I didn’t have the energy. It was hard to be joyful. It was hard to be happy. Each appointment I heard the heartbeat of my baby. It was so strong. I couldn’t help but to think that was God telling me you are going to be a mother, your baby isn’t going anywhere, suck it up.
I had to suck it up.
The day came, the day my baby was born. I made it through 9 whole months without any complications but suddenly everything changed. My blood pressure was high which wasn’t a good sign.
Preeclampsia. The word rang in my head.
Preeclampsia is a condition that can occur during pregnancy.
Some symptoms of preeclampsia may include high blood pressure and protein in the urine. I had both symptoms.
The delivering doctor informed me that it was good that I came into the hospital because it could’ve gotten worse. It could have turned into Eclampsia. When preeclampsia isn’t controlled, eclampsia can develop which is essentially preeclampsia plus seizures.
I had to jump start my labor.
I delivered a beautiful baby. I was ok. We were ok.
After listening to the testimony from Michelle Ferguson (her testimony can be viewed here ) I thought about my situation and how ungrateful I was. I had to ask God for forgiveness right then and there. I cried at the thought of not having children, I prayed for Gods will, I submitted to Him, and after He has given me the desires of my heart I wasn’t happy because it didn’t happen when I wanted it to happen. I wasn’t happy because other people weren’t happy. I wasn’t happy because I felt like I let everyone down. I wasn’t happy because I allowed guilt and shame to devour my joy. I wasn’t happy because relationships that were important to me was going wrong, they were crumbling.
I wasn’t happy.
How dear I?
Throughout my pregnancy I was reminded of how it can be hard for some women to have children. Some of these women had the same diagnosis as myself. These strong, beautiful women were in my presence, cheering me on. That thought alone opens the door for guilt to consume me and make me feel so small. I could have been in there shoes. Desiring to have a child, standing strong and inspirational during the wait. I can only imagine the weight in their hearts they carried desiring something and yet God utilized them to remind me of miracles.
God utilized me to remind them of miracles.
God loved me so much that regardless of my poor decisions His will was beautiful. In spite of my ugly, His will was beautiful. God loves you so much that regardless of your poor decisions His will is beautiful.
Me praying for Gods’ will was me seeking God and I found Him. When I asked for Gods will, I was acknowledging my weaknesses and how I could no longer run from my wrongs.
Jeremiah 29: 11-13
11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13 And ye shall seek me, and find [me], when ye shall search for me with all your heart.
Seek God in your situation. You will find Him.
I know there are results from actions some of which can be avoided I understand that. That is not the point of this post. Well what is the point? God blessed me when I was positioning myself for a punishment.
Position yourself for a blessing, you do not know when it will arrive.
Isaiah 46:10 New International Version (NIV)
I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.’
God knows our end from our beginning. He knows your situation and His love still thrives strong. When you may feel undeserving God says you are deserving. Your blessings may not come how you envisioned it. when you expect it; it may not come wrapped how you want it and when you want it but God knows what is best and when it is best. In spite of your bad decisions, your faults, your falls, your mess ups, Gods grace is sufficient.
2 Corinthians 12:9
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Do I sometimes still worry about what my future holds? Yes I do but trusting that God worked out all the kinks before I reach that point gives me comfort.
Please do not wait until something major happens for you to see Gods resting hand in your situation. Do not wait until its too late to see Gods blessings in your life. My heart is softened with the thought of Gods blessings and His love in the midst of my foolishness and flaw. I am reminded of the God that I serve. Like I always said, there is beauty in the midst of your ugly situation. You just have to find it.
God will work everything out for you.
I pray this blog post serves as a confirmation for someone, an eye opener for another, and ultimately a message to bring about Gods’ glory. I hope you are encouraged and strengthened. May you be filled with peace, comfort, and joy.
Nicely written! Regardless of how/when “she” happened, you are truly blessed to be a mom despite your diagnosis…. You’re one of the lucky ones!